Worst Movie Ever

Since the worst movie ever, Chicago, has been release in video stores across the nation, I have written this review in a desperate attempt to prevent as many people from seeing this autocracy as possible. So, read on with an open mind, and leave with a burning hatred for the tool of the devil: Chicago.

When I subjected myself to watching the film version of the Broadway musical Chicago, one thought stays in the crux of my mind: why in the name of everything that is good and holy did they start making movies like this? After doing a little research I discovered the last time poor audiences were faces with such filth was in the shady 1960s. Back when such maladroit pictures as Star! And Goodbye Mr. Chips nearly destroyed the musical genre. Apparently, modern moviegoers are much more forgiving, and readily embrace garbage as long as it is a spectacle. I pity people.

Chicago is a complete and utter failure, but is that really a surprise? Bob Fosse, who directed and choreographed the 1975 Broadway version, was never able to competently make a film of the show and rightly gave up. The movie is cursed with an inane storyline focusing on two 1920s showgirls who achieve stardom through their tabloid exploits including: “murders of passion.” The score was nothing special either, Kander and Ebb should be ashamed; they didn’t even get a single hit tune. Ironically, the only success that Chicago achieve in theaters was do to Fosse-like showmanship, and the (I hate to use the term) “star power” of the untalented actors who pranced around like fools who only created a contrived sense of importance and entertainment though utterly absurdity.

The ever flat and benign Renee Zellweger desperately tries to play the floozy of a showgirl, Roxie Hart. Throughout the whole picture, she never gets a handle on the part. She has proven that she is excellent at posing as an idiot, and misinterpreting the character. For example, when should be both savvy and confident she comes across weak and clueless. And, when she is supposed to be weak and clueless she comes across savvy and confident. Perhaps her musical skills scrap the line of adequacy, but her Roxie Hart persona is not helped by dress and make up that are reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe rather than the 1920s showgirl she was supposed to be. Irregardless of incorrectly dated looks, and a so-so voice, Renee offers nothing more than an utterly bland performance.

As much as it truly hurts me to say, Catherine Zeta-Jones was both more capable as a dancer, and singer than the flop, Renee Zellweger. However, this actress is still sorely lacking what it requires to be a star. Sure, she may give the appearance of a good actress. However, the role of Velma Kelly truly requires a powerful diva persona, not an actress. Unfortunately, Zeta-Jones doesn’t have the personality or magnetism that is required to make this role work to her advantage.

Billy Flynn is the sleazy-smooth lawyer who turns courtrooms into elaborate mockeries of justice, and killers into celebrities. Perhaps he is a not too distance relative of .hardware? Crap, now where was I? Oh yeah, the casting for this role was horrible. This part would be a delightful hammy bonanza for an unrepentant star, so, why exactly did this role get Richard Gere. I mean seriously, hasn’t have just been going through the motions on his films for the past decade. Or, am I wrong? Maybe I should just go point out my plot holes elsewhere. Wait no, back to Gere bashing. Even in his wonder years, or the decadent 1980s, he was never all that glitzy. Before I get too much hate mail for this, I will admit that he did try desperately hard to make this work, but the role sharply defines the limitations of his talent. Take a brief moment and imagine a zombie humming and tap-dancing, and you have a basic idea what I am talking about here.

The enormous vacuum created by the “stars” creates giant gaps that the supporting cast tries to fill, all with varying degrees of success. Perhaps one of more pseudo-interesting would be, Queen Latifah, in her role as a hard ass, crooked warden in the women’s correctional facility. Christine Baranski makes her presence known as an obnoxious reporter; unfortunately, she is on screen far too much and is a more believable character to the point that I almost believe the movie belonged to her. Poor John C. Reilly, Roxie’s puppy dog husband masters subtly, not unlike a black smith’s hammer to anvil. And, the forever irritating Lucy Liu or whatever the hell she is calling herself now, is a hostile heiress who kills her husband. She offers nothing more than usual, though she only has more of a guest appearance than actual part.

I guess that what I am getting at is that Chicago serves a lurid reminder why so few of these retched movie/musicals are being made today. The unfortunate lack of material and absence of talent equals a sum of artistic, and entertainment zero. Unfortunately, do to the undeserved success of this movie (damn you academy), I fear that theaters will be flooded with more of this garage in the not to distant future. Perhaps moviegoers will wake up, and there will be a revolution. One can wish, right?