They’ve been honored as the best in their field … they’re the 73rd Annual Academy Award winners. But, remember, this isn’t a competition!
Disclaimer: There is no subtle nuance in my sarcasms. And, I do insult many of actresses, actors, movies, writings, etc… throughout my rants. If you have a problem with this, read no further!
ART DIRECTION
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
Tim Yip
Are you kidding me? That movie was ok, but best set design? No way!
ACTRESS — SUPPORTING
Marcia Gay Harden
POLLOCK
Ok, I’ll pretend like I know who she is.
FILM EDITING
TRAFFIC
Stephen Mirrione
He looks like he is about the right height and weight to get the Oscar, it’s shown in his editing.
SHORT — LIVE ACTION
QUIERO SER (I WANT TO BE…)
Florian Gallenberger
Oh boy, the most coved award in the entire show, and it goes to the only…er…uh…one of the people who’s name’s I haven’t the slightest idea who to spell.
SHORT — ANIMATED
FATHER AND DAUGHTER
Michael Dudok de Wit
Where do these people come up with these names? And, better yet, where they have do they come up with these crappy animated shorts?!
COSTUME DESIGN
GLADIATOR
Janty Yates
This award is SO prestigious that it was announced by a leading actress…or Spain?! The only thing that beats that out is the fact that these horrible costume design sketches.
ACTOR — SUPPORTING
Benicio Del Toro
TRAFFIC
Traffic, eh? How disappointing, though I don’t have any better recommendations given the options.
SOUND GLADIATOR
Scott Millan, Bob Beemer, Ken Weston
Interesting that a movie that wasn’t even really about sound won the award?
SOUND EDITING
U-571
Jon Johnson
Fancy.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
Peter Pau
Ah…those funny Asians, with their kicking and flying…wait, flying? I didn’t know Asians could fly?!
MAKEUP
DR. SEUSS’ HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
Rick Baker, Gail Ryan
Ok, now I know how to win this award. You see, it is easy, just slap on a TON of make on each individual in the picture. Amateur quality will do.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
BIG MAMA
Tracy Seretean
Yes! I was rooting for them…oh wait no, it was that other one…what was it called. Oh well, forget it!
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
INTO THE ARMS OF STRANGERS: STORIES OF THE KINDERTRANSPORT
Mark Jonathan Harris, Deborah Oppenheimer
To this I have but a single question: why?
VISUAL EFFECTS
GLADIATOR
John Nelson, Neil Corbould, Tim Burke, Rob Harvey
I agree with this one. Amazingly enough.
MUSIC (SCORE)
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
Tan Dun
After what seemed like endless minutes of anticipation (I really hate those performance interludes, as well as the chronic commerical breaks) I was again wrought by disappointment. Musical Score, Crouching Tiger…you have to be kidding me! The music was irritating the entire time!
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
Ang Lee
Wow, record time, I only had to wait, well about an hour to find out this snoozer declaration. Two awards in a row, and I didn’t even like this movie. What is the academy doing to me!?
MUSIC (SONG)
WONDER BOYS
“Things Have Changed”
Bob Dylan
The funny prerecorded man, I wonder how many people knew ahead of time? Blind eye to human nature? That is a bad thing?! Woah man, my world is completely upside down!
Oh, the coveted leading role. And oh, the crazy woman they chose to give the award…
ACTOR — LEADING
Russell Crowe
GLADIATOR
Russell Crow, eh? Well, I suppose that is all that bad. Though, I think that Tom Hanks should have won give that I suffered through the long boring drawn out sequences absent of dialog. I worked hard for the nomination! For nothing!
Accepting his prize, Crowe says, “When you grow up in the suburbs of anywhere, a dream like this seems unattainable. But for anyone on the downside of advantage, and relying purely on courage, it’s possible.”
Ah…after the long commercial break, Ashley Judd, dressed like a…what the heck?
Hmmm…such long winded crap. I wonder if they tell these people was gestures to make, or if they just clutch their hands and fling them to their sides at random intervals simply, because?
Blah…blah…blah…
Ernest Lehman…sure did produce a lot of lemons…err…I mean, quality pieces. Wow, these older people sure to speak slowly. I don’t think he can stand up within his own power, he has to be propped up by that old lady.
Ok, back to the show, about time.
More bad jokes, no…can it be?
Boy, people who aren’t concurrently watching the Awards with this little chunk probably have no idea what I am talking about.
ACTRESS — LEADING
Julia Roberts
ERIN BROCKOVICH
Egad, an award for Julia Roberts?! The worst actress I have even seen. Well, perhaps not, just the worst with the most media coverage. I would have drank the water just to shut her up (movie reference).
…get her off the stage…off the stage…come on…who’s in charge here? get here off the stage…
“…best actor I could be…” uh, ok isn’t see a woman?
Ah…finally, she has relinquished control, and the world is once again at peac…commericals! Again? ARGH!
WRITING (ADAPTED)
TRAFFIC
Stephen Gaghan
Ok, let me get this straight, one more time. People actually liked this movie?
WRITING (ORIGINAL)
ALMOST FAMOUS
Cameron Crowe
Cah! Cah! Look see, I am a Crowe too!
Wow, another commercial break. And I needed it so bad too. We must had done two awards in a row! I am exhausted.
DIRECTING
TRAFFIC
Steven Soderbergh
TRAFFIC!!?!!?!?!??!? I can’t express my disgust enough. The horror! The horror! No more would like to be set in front of a 2.1″ TV to watch a dune marathon (not the movie, the TV miniseries) than to see this awful movie win so many awards!
BEST PICTURE
GLADIATOR
Douglas Wick, David Franzoni, Branko Lustig
Ah…we end the awards on a good note. Now, all I have to do it pretend that everything that happened before this moment (well maybe not everything) never happened.
If You Wish Upon a Mage Knight
Every heard of a little game called Mage Knight?”Hey! You can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“Because, it is against the rules?”
“Is it really?”
“Well, I don’t see anything about it in the rules. . .but, it isn’t fair.”
“Regardless, you lose.”
“Crap.”
Nothing like a good old game of Mage Knight. The rules are VERY weak in many cases. I found that it was necessary to revise them, and create my own set.
First of all, elevated terrain, it is a marvelous idea, but WizKids executed it horribly. The fact that the game only addresses a single of elevation is laughable. To compliment this goof-ball system, block terrain allows you to put a tooth pick on the table, and state that it is a wall that is infinitely high–but flying creatures can fly over it. It is all a bit too screwed up for me.
Anyway, I am in the process/changed the rules to accommodate my twisted will. If you browse around, you should be able to find it on this site somewhere (probably in the misc. section).
On a non-directly related note, my brother picked up a booster pack of this lovely little money sponge, he actually received more “good” characters in those two boosters than I did spending some $40.00 on the blasted plastic figurines.
Bah humbug (or whatever the saying is).
Well, that’s all I have to say today. I hope you have found this article unique and insightful. And, if you haven’t, well then, don’t complain to me. That is, unless you want to, it’s no skin off my back.